Hotel Rosewood Heights

We don't know what the writing on the wall is or about the path our life will take.  I have found that more than feeling sorry for myself I feel sorry for Jim; all that he put into his life has been disintegrated and turned to the ashes of boring existence. 

As bad as it sounds I know if he could have planned his future, he would not have chosen this way to end it.  He would have preferred a more sudden approach that would take him quick, over months and possibly years of existing in a nursing facility. 

 Of course tonight when visiting him, he had finished his dinner and was sitting in bed drinking his coffee looking out the window at the lights of downtown Syracuse and he said - "well Jim what did you do all day? Oh I just sat around in bed in the hotel!" 

 If that is how he sees his stay, I guess not being in your right mind is better than the reality of knowing the truth.

Movin On

Where do you go when your mind deserts you and your body is abandoned by flexibility?  Is it a friendly place where everything is fun and happy?  Is it a scary place where creepy things haunt you?  Is it an empty palate that you can make up as you go?   Who knows!

When the mind moves on to the outer limits, it’s the people left behind in the “real” world that is affected the most.  Seeing your loved one become completely different than you remember is a hard bone to swallow.  The confusion and far away, puzzled looks, repeated questions and childish behavior and discussions of times from long ago is the new world he’s gone to.  Is it a happy land  – hard to tell because there is very little communication these days.  There are polite greetings and curious looks; a little sob when hearing an old song; and a little kids smile when tasting a dessert. 

Where has my husband gone?  I believe he’s moved on and left me only the memory of who he used to be.

The “Golden Years”

We grow up with direction from our parents and hopefully have a career path. Then we work, put forth 100+% and prepare for what might be ahead for retirement.  We plan our days, weeks, months and years to coordinate and save for the time when we can walk away from our “work” and retrieve the benefits of our savings, social security and pension to live the next chapter of our life.

Unfortunately some of us face the road blocks of health.  What might have been a dream for our future has become the nightmare of our present.  Poor health, medical bills, supplies, hospital stays and supportive expenses replaces the dream of a retirement home in a warmer climate or a motor home to tour our great USA.

It doesn’t seem fair after we have worked our whole life to get to this point.  For some, we feel targeted and wonder what we did to deserve this; for others we wonder why God has chosen this path for us.  I believe that we, the health and financially depleted, are the majority and the people who can get to this stage of their life and really enjoy it are the minority.  From what I see and hear from people is there are many people in the same situation as my husband and I.  I don't want to feel sorry for us because I know there is always someone with worse problems.  Right now my husbands’ condition affords him the opportunity of not knowing what is happening to him.  He’s oblivious to the current and future and lives only in the past and far out.  I unfortunately know! 

So as a patient in my office once told me when asked about the “Golden Years” said ”Honey -  the only thing golden in the Golden Years is your urine!”  Pretty much says it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nancy

On Overload

My mind is over tired and winding out stuff in every direction.  It’s been one of those days when I feel a little mentally overwhelmed.  While I’m coping with all the everyday stuff,  I’m delving into every crack and crevice of my brain thinking of all the things I need to do, things I want to do and things that should have been done.

Isn’t it crazy how much we can fit into our little brain without exploding.  So much that I need to make lists so I don’t forget really important things.  I saw on TV today that keeping busy helps preserve your brain function – if so, I’m good for a while.  But I can’t excuse that keeping as busy as I have been is exhausting and my mind is reeling. 

I’m thinking that at some point I need to get to Virginia to see my new grand-daughter.  I need to spend some more time with my kids and grandkids.  I need to pay some bills.  I need to make a will.  I need to make a grooming appointment for the dog.  I need to get a DNR at the doctors.  I need to make some phone calls to follow-up on the places I discussed for Jim.  I need to cut the cats claws.  I need to decide when it will be a good time to make the crucial decision.  I should have sent Christmas cards.  I should call some old friends.  I need to find out what will happen financially.  I need to find a recipe for Irish Stew.   I need to, I want to, I should ……………...........     That’s how my mind is working - overloaded with things.

How do I step back from the hectic life, especially mine, and turn off the symphony of things going on in my head so I can have a good nights sleep.   My friend Jamison (scotch whiskey) doesn’t do much for me.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 Chao for now

Don't get too excited - it could kick you in the ass!

My boss let me work from home today to help me avoid paying another day of Daycare for Jim and to give me a break from getting up at 4:45am to get both Jim and I washed, dressed, breakfast and out the door for the day.  I was EXCITED!  The thought alone of being able to sleep a little later (possibly until 7am) and not caring if I had makeup on, my hair done, I didn't have to wear uncomfortable shoes and knowing that I could work in my comfy sweats was exhilarating. 

I got up and had my coffee, cleared my head, checked email and facebook, got out of my jammies and into my sweats (somehow working in my jammies didn't seem professional) then I got my table set up with laptop, work folder, calculator, phone, pen, pencil, and coffee cup.  I was ready to hunker down and dig in.  I started with the changes I needed to make then started on my spreadsheets.  I was into it for about an hour when there was an urgent need to take my hubby to the bathroom.  Without going into details, I got him cleaned up, changed, took dirty clothes to washer, and got hubby back in his chair, then I went back to my work.  (I counted that as sort of a "smoke or coffee" break).

Now I'm back knee deep into daysheets, spreadsheets, patients accounts and so forth and I am beckonded to the living room with a request for lunch.  I microwave left over soup and get back to work.  (Oh I did put the load of wash in the dryer and start another; I can multitask) 

Another couple of hours deep into the numbers and what does my wondering nose detect, another needed trip to the bathroom and more laundry.  (there I go another "break")

It wasn't long after getting back to where I left off and my dog started doing the potty dance.  Okay, that's it!  Got to take the dog out for his poopy walk.  When I got back I decided to take a "real" break.  I decided to wait and finish the work things later in the evening when I could dial into the company computer and finish.

Moral of the story - dont get too excited when you don't know what you might be facing!

Chao for now

Concience Test

There are times in our life that we are put to the test to show our loyalty to our beliefs.  I’ve been tested often but today is a tough one for me.

I was asked by a friend to do something that I’m not sure I'm comfortable with; what do I do?  Do I risk having an uncomfortable and turbulent relationship with my friend or do I stick to my belief’s no matter how she feels; OR do I skate the request and pretend I never got it, heard it or understood it. 

My friend asked me and others to say a prayer for her father who was in the Intensive Care at a local hospital.  I like the man, I love his daughter as if she was my own but I don't know if I can pray for a man who is a professed atheist. 

How do I pray to my God and ask for his compassion and help for a man who doesn’t believe in any God.   Wouldn't that be sacrilegious.   Is it terrible of me?  Does it look as though I don't care, because I do for him and for his daughter(my friend). 

After my serious consideration,  I wished him a Happy Birthday and a speedy recovery AND said a little prayer because I know my God wouldn't discriminate - he loves everyone. 

God Bless Us All

Family Affair

Grandchildren are our reward in life for enduring motherhood for many years.  I remember my mother telling me that what goes around comes around and she hoped my children would do the same to me as I had done to her.  I guess I was a pistol when I was growing up.

Anyhow,  I told my kids the same thing and guess what? they are going through it. My son doesn't understand why my 12 year old grandson wastes time getting his homework done - duh wasn't that my question to you?  Why can't the kids just sit and eat while things are hot, then they can get down and play - duh - how many nights did you eat cold food? 

I guess no matter who we are and when we are raising our children, we all have the same experiences, frustrations and loving memories.  It's when the grandchildren arrive that we can reflect back on our own experiences and remember that there are no "how to" books, no "Parenting for Dummies" and no right or wrong way to raise kids.  We just do the best we can with what we have and hope for the best. 

I think I was pretty fortunate to have raised such remarkable young adults.  I may have questioned this during their teen years, but I couldn't be prouder of them as adults.

And my grandchildren - well like most grandparents, they are THE BEST!  Unfortunately mine live a few states away so I depend on their parents to send me photos.  Thank you for the park pictures!

  

Oh my - Will I ever?

Many days I ask myself "will I ever retire and enjoy the "golden years"? 

Certainly not now when life is in such disarray.  Lately life has been a test of endurance, patience and love.  Everyday is one challenge after another with no prior notice for many of its surprises. 
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Never prepared for these surprises, they just sneak up on you without notice and change all of your plans for the future.  You struggle to save for retirement only to have your stash used to survive.  Ours helped to keep a home going during sparse work times, bury a son, and cope with health issues.

I guess if I could find a positive in this menagerie of life challenges, it's to be thankful for what I have had.  I was blessed with 4 wonderful sons and the women who share their lives, 3 beautiful grandchildren, a job I enjoy, friends that have been very supportive, neighbors who take care of us, a husband - that in his day was my knight in shining armour and my faith, that although I often ask "why" gives me strength to cope with whatever I'm handed. 

Retirement can be many things to many different people.  Perhaps this is my retirement.  Maybe my "retirement" is suppose to be of service to one in need.

I'll keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens!

Chao - Nancy

Finding the Sunshine during the Storm

          Lately life has been like being in a long storm.  Some days a mild rain that is tolerable but somewhat unpleasant and other days windy gusts that knocks you off your feet.  My days with Jim are like trying to read the storm; never knowing if today will be the calm rain or if we will be facing the gusty winds.  Somedays like today, we laugh about nothing or something silly that Jim says or tries to remember.  Somedays he's difficult, restless and irritable. 
          What helps during those times is a little bit of sunshine that comes from the beautiful faces of my grandchildren.  Just 5 days ago we were blessed with our third grandchild - a beautiful grand-daughter.  I have yet to hold her in my arms, but the face I see in pictures brightens even my darkest day.  

          My grandchildren are all special to me.  They bring an overwhelming joy to my life, but there is something extra special about a newborn.  A life that has been created by two people in love and born to give joy to all who are near.   
          I'm unsure with the situation here, when I will get the chance to hold this little bundle of love.  I ask too frequently for pictures.  I know my son and daughter-in-law think I'm annoying but the pictures they send help me to feel connected so I can watch her grow and develop.   With my days being filled with work, caring for another, cooking, cleaning up, laundry, changing soiled beds, etc, a picture or two of my favorite little people make all the difference in the world to me.     
          Isn't Emma Mae just beautiful?

Chao